The Manny Tapes (Final Chapter)

As next week is my last one as a Manny, I feel like I should revisit a "Manny Tape" episode each day. Here's one from September 17, 2008:

Whenever I call to The Short Bus for him to "come here" he eventually makes it to me, but it takes about eight tries. Not just of me calling, but him coming. He'll come running, get about 3 feet from me, and then turn around and go back to where he was, at which time I call again. This time he'll come about 6 inches closer, then take off again. Repeat, repeat etc; he's like a buzzard circling, getting closer each time. I don't know if this is a sign of OCD, or if when I say "come here" what he actually hears is "Hey, this is probably a good time to knock out a coupla shuttle runs." Weird.








"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey, maybe that's what you should do during one of your MANY buffet runs, you fat bitch!!!"

The Manny Tapes

If you don’t know where the OFF switches on a kid’s toys are, you’re fucked. Surrounded by trucks and Sesame Street shit and play pianos that are constantly going off as he’s whacking at them, your only salvation is when you’ve had enough you can simply flip a switch and the noise will stop, much to the kid’s oblivion. But right now his large, plastic Tigger airplane is going off like an alarm, “whoo-hoo-hoo!”s mixed with air traffic radio bleeps and, for some unknown reason, “Camptown Races”…just like in any airplane, I reckon…and I cannot find the off switch or where the batteries are.

TIP: always know how quickly the batteries can be taken out!!!!!!!!! 

And it looks like this is the toy he wants to play with for the rest of the morning. My mind is slipping into my neck and I’m seriously about to walk out into the nice, quiet street and lay my head down.








"Hahahaha!! Well guess what Xmastime, I wish I could turn your sissy crying off, you fucking pussy!"

The Manny Tapes

Strolling the boy on the sidewalk the other day we came upon a little black girl, looked to be bout 11 or 12 years old. I broke right and she met me; I immediately tried to swerve the other way but she mirrored my action. We went back and forth for a few, doing some sort of non-touching sidewalk dance, til finally she snapped furiously “Learn to fucking swerve goddammit!” And huffed away passed, shaking her head at my idiocy.





"Hahahahahaha!!!  Sing it, sister!  He's a fucking douchebag, right???!!!"

Fireside

The Manny Tapes

My days of being a Manny are winding down :( In a few weeks the Short Bus will be going to school 5 days a week, and I will be put out to pasture to die. Or, hopefully, quickly shot out of my misery.

I'm actually looking forward to getting back into the 'adult world;" this thing that was supposed to be a few weeks has somehow lasted 3 years. The little guy and I have had our ups and downs (okay, 99% ups), and my only regret is I don't remember everything that happened so I can write a billion-dollar bestseller about the experience. Also, that I didn't train him to say "hiyooooooo!!!!" rim-shot style after one of my well-placed "zingers."

I'll still see him a lot, I'll still be a big part of his life. But it won't be the same as feeling like I'm having a hand in his early development, that I was something really meaningful to him. Eventually any memories of his time with me will fade from his mind until there is none at all (hey, how many of us remember the ages 0-3?) Ah well. How it goes I guess. I'll still always be there for him, we'll always be buddies. We still got a lot of memories to go.

Mostly, I'll think of THIS.

RATS

Fireside

Fireside

The Manny Tapes

Probably a cute image: Me lumbering down the street slightly hunched down with Short Bus reaching up to hold my hand as he scrambles to keep up with me.
Probably not so cute: In a split second of loss of focus, walking Short Bus into a trash can.








"HAHAHAHAAHAHA!! Hey, we're all just glad you're out walking, you fat fuck!!!"

The Manny Tapes

Got my first unsolicited "I love you Rats!" today!

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Usually it's a twenty minute process ending with him saying "what is it I have to say to shut you the fuck up?"

Hey, the kid loves Rats. Why not? :)









"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I guess it's true, people will say ANYTHING if they're fucking being tortured by your big fat ass!!!"

Week Off

The Manny didn't come over all last week, as he hurt his back (gee, never saw that one coming, Fat Ass.) So someone else watched me one day, and I don't know what her deal was but my food went cold as I sat there waiting for her to test the food for poisons. Is The Manny the only one that knows this is absolutely necessary? Jeez, I thought as I went hungry all day; he's a dipshit but at least he's willing to eat most of my food so I don't, you know, die. In his defense, there's something to be said for that.

Fireside

The Manny Tapes

One sign of the economy is that I am not the only dude adult in our My Grownup & Me class. There were three others today, a record; and each one over the course of the hour gave me that "so, you too, huh?" look. Too which I gave a "fuck you, this is my 214th straight class - if the teacher gets assassinated during class, guess who fucking takes over?" look.

Also a record - 4 different nanny/mommies I wouldn't mind banging. The word must've gotten out about my big fucking hog balls wanting to do some bull-fucking at the Y. Welcome, ladies!!






"HAHAHAHAH! Hey, you fat - ...I'm sorry, but 'hog balls' is fucking killing me."

The Manny Tapes

Oh wow, check this out - apparently some guy in NYC spends his days taking care of kids. Maybe you didn't catch that - a MAN is a primary caregiver for some children. And here he is, in the newspaper. Which makes sense, cause he must be some sort of super-hero, amazing guy. I bet his oversized penis also tutors poor kids after school. I wonder if he'll get invited to the White House? Can't Michael Phelps give him a few of his gold medals? Or his name will become synonymous with doing good deeds: "Dude, saving that puppy? You totally just pulled a Tullis." I mean, you live long enough, I guess you'll eventually see anything - including someone with testes spending the day with his children. Gee, if only we knew of OTHER men doing the same thing right now. But I guess that would be like finding another entire race of men living on the bottom of the ocean. How fucking Tullis would that be?







"There a phone number with the article?"

Fireside

The Manny Tapes

You always dread the moment you realize you've turned into your parents. Mine was about 7 minutes ago when I found myself looking up to the ceiling saying "God, give me strength not to kill this child." Sigh.






"HAHAHAHAHA!!! Good luck catching me first, you big fat fuck!!!!!"

The Manny Tapes

One day The Short Bus will grow up, and I'll just be another old guy keeping his sports page clippings that he rolls his eyes at. But one thing I'll always have is picking him up from class on Wednesday afternoons - he'll see me from across the room and turn into Walter Payton, running towards me while dodging classmates as if shedding would-be tacklers, all while locking eyes on me and happily shouting "Rats! Rats!" :)







"HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Sounds like you running to the buffet line, you fat fuck!!!"

The Manny Tapes

My life.






"HAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey, FINALLY a day where you're not the biggest bag of hot air in the room, you fat fuck!!!!"

Fireside

My First Show

The Manny Tapes

Whenever I take Short Bus to class I worry I'm hogging all his time; I tend to kinda hover around him, and when we're in the gym I'm constantly throwing a ball at his head "throw it back to me!" So sometimes I try to kinda slip away and force him to interact with the other kids instead of me. Which, of course, never happens - for all the "social interaction" the class (and all these classes, really) promises, it's basically 18 kids walking around in circles completely ignoring each other.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was yesterday when Short Bus slowly, carefully sidled up to another dude who was playing at the pretend-kitchen thing, moving plastic dishes around. He ends up right next to the kid and turns to me (I had backed up about 8 feet away), his face lit up in ecstasy and in an exaggerated stage whisper loudly whispered to me "Rats!! Who's this???!?!!!!!" while pointing to the kid. I was like a giddy 6th-grade school girl, clasping my hands together under my chin and practically cooing out loud "ooooooh, thats Jimmy - he likes glue, Sesame Street and shitting in his sleep!!!! Talk to him, TAAAAAAAAAALK to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!"







"HAHAHAHAA!!! Well, I guess I can't invite him over, since you'll probably eat him, you fat fuck!!"

The Manny Tapes

The Short Bus has picked up two interesting new "projects." Number one, he insists on every single case or box containing a slew of toys to be opened and dumped out on the floor. Not to play with of course, but to make sure the floor is covered in a way so that I'm guaranteed to 1) sprain an ankle 2) spend 2 hours a day picking up the goddam stuff.

Number two, he is no longer satisfied with simply assaulting me with an insanely steady barrage of shouting; now he ratchets up the irony factor by actually shouting "making noise!" as he's...making noise. Sigh.

All this is a long-winded way of saying I'm about three more non-sequitous screams from blowing my brains out.






(getting the gun)

The Manny Tapes

I won't be a Manny forever. But I'm pretty sure it's the last job I'll have where it's completely normal to dig into a jacket pocket and think "what's this? oh, a half-eaten butter sandwich. Cool."








HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!! They named a sandwich after your tits, did they? Fuck you, shithead!!!!"

The Manny Tapes

Today's Episode: WHY I AM THE BEST IN THE BIZ.

Xmas: how bout some rice n' beans, buddy?
Short Bus: no! NO rice n beans!!
Xmas: really? (lopping rice n beans onto plate)
Short Bus: no! no rice n beans!!
Xmas: you sure? camon! (bringing plate of rice n beans over to him)
Short Bus: no!! NO RICE N' BEANS!!!!!!!
Xmas: okay buddy (puts plate of rice n beans on table in front of Short Bus)
Short Bus: (looking at plate) what's this?
Xmas: Mexican food.
Short Bus: (starts eating)







"HAHAHAHAHHAA! Lemme guess, some asshole tricked you into eating a fucking bus? Beep beep, you fat fuck!!!!"

Fireside

GUEST HOST: Short Bus

I've been sick all week, but The Manny still fucking shows up at my house. For chrissake - I'M SICK DUMBASS, do you really think I can spend all day watching your sorry ass? Oh wait, looks like he's found the cure: watching reruns of Rosanne all day with his hand down his pants, waiting for Choo Fung Choo to come with his roadkill foo young. Thanks, Dr. Asshole. I feel better already. I guess it’s “Starve a cold, feed a fever, oh look, The Manny’s on YouPorn again”, right? fucking christ.