Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Manny Tapes

Kid's books can drive me bananas cause apparently the single most important thing a kid can learn nowadays is the sounds animals make. This is all we seem to want them to learn. Wtf? Cow goes moo, cat goes meow. Hmm. I don't know why this is so important - is this ever gonna come up later on in life?

Dean Wermer: your SATs are amazing, your GPA is a 4.0 and you were in every extracurricular activity at your high school.
Kid: That's right.
Dean Wermer: you have a letter of recommendation from Lee Iacocca.
Kid: That's right.
Dean Wermer: So lemme ask you something...what noise does a sheep make?
Kid: (draws complete blank)
Dean Wermer: I see. Hmm. Yeah, I'll keep your application on file (deposits into paper shredder, kid walks out and into the world of community college.)

And then another thing I don't like is that in every book, there's a big fat snake that's supposed to be friendly. Hey look, fluffy happy puppy looking for a hug. A sweet duck looking to help, splashing around. Oh, and sliding down from a tree? A 19-foot long boa that looks like it just swallowed a golf cart. What the fuck? Oh, but the snake is supposed to cute and cuddly and just wants to be "one of the guys!"

I don't want my little guys to be scared of snakes. But I don't want them thinking it's okay to go up and fucking hug one either, you know? Wtf. Why not have "happy, jolly drug dealers" too? Drippy chlamydia-riled Mexican with open sores? Just wants a hug, wants to be friends! Camon!!!!

"Heeeeeeeeeeey buddy! Come a lil closer, I just wanna be good friends! That's it...liiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit closer..."

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