Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Manny Tapes

The Short Bus just walked over and gave me a book, shouting at me "READ!" Oh good, I thought, he wants me to read this to him. I get ready to hoist him onto my lap but he steps a way, sits down on the floor with another book and starts looking at it, flipping the pages.

Then it dawns on me...he wants me to read the book he gave me. While he reads a different book. So he picked out a book for me, and he decided that Five Little Monkeys is about my speed. Christ. There is no dignity in this job.

(quietly reading to self)

The Manny Tapes

A new trick for when I want just a 3 or 4 minute break from entertaining/chasing around Short Bus is to have him look for something. All of a sudden I'll look at him with a serious expression and say "hey...where's the triggor rifter?" To which he'll stop in his tracks and stare at me. For about a minute. During which I'll repeat the question, kinda looking around looking worried. He's still staring at me, unblinking. All of a sudden a look will come over his face, as if to say "yeeeeeeeeeaaaahhh...where the fuck IS the triggor rifter!???!!" And then he spins and turns and spends a few minutes squatting, looking under things, desperately looking for the triggor rifter while I turn my brain off for about 3 minutes. Perfect.

"HAHAHAHAHAAHA!! Just 3 minutes? Guess again, you dumb shit!!!"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Manny Tapes

Whenever I call to The Short Bus for him to "come here" he eventually makes it to me, but it takes about eight tries. Not just of me calling, but him coming. He'll come running, get about 3 feet from me, and then turn around and go back to where he was, at which time I call again. This time he'll come about 6 inches closer, then take off again. Repeat, repeat etc; he's like a buzzard circling, getting closer each time. I don't know if this is a sign of OCD, or if when I say "come here" what he actually hears is "Hey, this is probably a good time to knock out a coupla shuttle runs." Weird.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey, maybe that's what you should do during one of your MANY buffet runs, you fat bitch!!!"

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Manny Tapes

The Short Bus turned two years old yesterday...pretty hard to believe. Seems like a week ago, seems like 10 years ago. I've been his unlicensed primary caregiver since he was 8 weeks old; at times I've been part godfather, uncle, best friend, protector, enforcer, playmate, teacher. Sometimes I think my number one role is to make sure he doesn't end up liking soccer. Either way, he's been one of the best things to ever happen to me. What can I say lil buddy. Happy 2nd Birfday! :)

"Hey Xmas, speaking of the number 2, get your shit-wiping mitts ready, you sorry fat fuck!! HAHAHAHAAH!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Manny

I'll say this much: The Short Bus is a happy kid. always smiling, laughing, bubbling. He never gets sad about anything, he never cries for no reason. Sometimes he's so over the top happy I catch myself thinking "gotdam dude, calm down...shit can't be going THAT great!"

"HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! You'd be happy if you weren't your sorry fat fuck ass too, Xmas!!!"