Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Manny Tapes (Final Chapter)

We'll always be intertwined because of one thing: Juice or Vodka?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Manny RIP


He Only Ever Wanted to Be "In the Mix" 

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Manny Tapes (Final Chapter)

The end of the school year when I was a little kid was a bittersweet time - of course anybody's happy to not hafta go to school, but summer meant three things: extreme heat, an endless series of chores, and not seeing my friends. Yes, I was lucky to have Brothatime!!, but while I look back now and see it as lucky, it didn't always feel that way at the time.

Bittersweet is also the way I feel about Thursday being my last day as a Manny. We've both graduated and it's time to move on and I'm happy to have had such an experience, but I'm also sad to not have that day-to-day routine with Short Bus. We had great times and field trips and big moments, but sometimes it's the daily nothingness I think about, just sitting there for hours doing nothing but everything at once. Things that are earth-shattering one moment, forgotten the next. All the "first times" of his that we shared together on any random Wednesday afternoon, the hundreds of hours we spent together in our own world.

Ah well. Senior Year.

The Manny Tapes (Final Chapter)

from November 19, 2007:
I wish the boy could actually catch a ball when I throw it to him. We’ll be sitting on the floor and I’ll toss the ball to him, which he stares blankly at as it slowly rolls by him. Rolls over his hand, even. Slowly turns his head to follow the ball as it rolls past. Doesn’t hear me sigh “fucking Christ.” So now after the ball has rolled another 10 feet he excitedly springs into action, taking off to crawl and get it. But it’s not like he crawls to the ball, gets it and brings it back for round two. Cause by now the ball has rolled by the couch, the pile of pillows, somehow snuck through the folded up comforter on the floor, and of course has landed right in the pile of burning syringes that is lying on top of a rattlesnake that is hurt and not looking to be generous with his personal space. And the boy is hurtling towards it, so now I hafta drag my fat ass up off the floor, every bone and muscle snap-crackle-popping and beat him to the gotdam ball. Fucking christ. “Catch.” Grrrrrrr!!!

"Hahahaaha!! Xmas I hope you don't catch no shit disease while wiping my ass, you stupid fat fuck!!!"

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Manny Tapes (Final Chapter)

From January 2008:

I’ve noticed that when I’m with the boy on the train, the speed of said train is in direct proportion to the boy’s behavior. If he’s sitting placidly, quietly looking around giving the ladies the goo-goo eyes which lures them into my own web of seduction, the fucking train hurtles down the track like it’s me at the Pizza Hut buffet when the meat lovers pizzas come out. Fucking a, we get to our stop so quickly I’m almost disappointed, since for once he’s quiet and not bothering anyone so I’m able to relax and take a breath. BUT. If he starts chirping, if he starts squealing and bitching or crying, well well well whaddya know, the fucking thing slows to a goddam crawl. As the passengers around me get annoyed and give me dirty looks cause the kid’s shouting, you can almost hear the train going “hhhhheeeeeeeeeey, what’s this, Xmastime in awkward situation…let’s slow this thing down, see what happens!” Fucking a. Grrrrr!

On a side note, it does actually pay to be a dude when bringing a baby on the train. If you’re the mother, people expect you to be some sort of miracle worker, juggling 4 kids on your lap while baking a soufflĂ© and inventing Soduko – if one of those kids squeaks out one peep, everyone gets bitchy and rolls their eyes etc. But a dude, hell, everyone’s mildly surprised you’re even able to put pants on the kid before bringing him outside. When the kid starts chirpin you can put on your harangued, beleagured “oh my god im so fucked” face and everyone gives you a pass, just thankful the kid’s still fucking alive. “Poor bastard” they think “gee whiz, poor guy, look at him, doing his best. God bless him.” One for the dudes!!

"Hahahahaaha! Xmastime, your next stop should be the boneyard, you fat stupid fuck!!!"

Saturday, August 29, 2009


Friday, August 28, 2009

The Manny Tapes (Final Chapter)

As next week is my last one as a Manny, I feel like I should revisit a "Manny Tape" episode each day. Here's one from September 17, 2008:

Whenever I call to The Short Bus for him to "come here" he eventually makes it to me, but it takes about eight tries. Not just of me calling, but him coming. He'll come running, get about 3 feet from me, and then turn around and go back to where he was, at which time I call again. This time he'll come about 6 inches closer, then take off again. Repeat, repeat etc; he's like a buzzard circling, getting closer each time. I don't know if this is a sign of OCD, or if when I say "come here" what he actually hears is "Hey, this is probably a good time to knock out a coupla shuttle runs." Weird.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey, maybe that's what you should do during one of your MANY buffet runs, you fat bitch!!!"

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Manny Tapes

If you don’t know where the OFF switches on a kid’s toys are, you’re fucked. Surrounded by trucks and Sesame Street shit and play pianos that are constantly going off as he’s whacking at them, your only salvation is when you’ve had enough you can simply flip a switch and the noise will stop, much to the kid’s oblivion. But right now his large, plastic Tigger airplane is going off like an alarm, “whoo-hoo-hoo!”s mixed with air traffic radio bleeps and, for some unknown reason, “Camptown Races”…just like in any airplane, I reckon…and I cannot find the off switch or where the batteries are.

TIP: always know how quickly the batteries can be taken out!!!!!!!!! 

And it looks like this is the toy he wants to play with for the rest of the morning. My mind is slipping into my neck and I’m seriously about to walk out into the nice, quiet street and lay my head down.

"Hahahaha!! Well guess what Xmastime, I wish I could turn your sissy crying off, you fucking pussy!"

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Manny Tapes

Strolling the boy on the sidewalk the other day we came upon a little black girl, looked to be bout 11 or 12 years old. I broke right and she met me; I immediately tried to swerve the other way but she mirrored my action. We went back and forth for a few, doing some sort of non-touching sidewalk dance, til finally she snapped furiously “Learn to fucking swerve goddammit!” And huffed away passed, shaking her head at my idiocy.

"Hahahahahaha!!!  Sing it, sister!  He's a fucking douchebag, right???!!!"

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Manny Tapes

My days of being a Manny are winding down :( In a few weeks the Short Bus will be going to school 5 days a week, and I will be put out to pasture to die. Or, hopefully, quickly shot out of my misery.

I'm actually looking forward to getting back into the 'adult world;" this thing that was supposed to be a few weeks has somehow lasted 3 years. The little guy and I have had our ups and downs (okay, 99% ups), and my only regret is I don't remember everything that happened so I can write a billion-dollar bestseller about the experience. Also, that I didn't train him to say "hiyooooooo!!!!" rim-shot style after one of my well-placed "zingers."

I'll still see him a lot, I'll still be a big part of his life. But it won't be the same as feeling like I'm having a hand in his early development, that I was something really meaningful to him. Eventually any memories of his time with me will fade from his mind until there is none at all (hey, how many of us remember the ages 0-3?) Ah well. How it goes I guess. I'll still always be there for him, we'll always be buddies. We still got a lot of memories to go.

Mostly, I'll think of THIS.


Thursday, May 14, 2009


Monday, May 11, 2009


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Manny Tapes

Probably a cute image: Me lumbering down the street slightly hunched down with Short Bus reaching up to hold my hand as he scrambles to keep up with me.
Probably not so cute: In a split second of loss of focus, walking Short Bus into a trash can.

"HAHAHAHAAHAHA!! Hey, we're all just glad you're out walking, you fat fuck!!!"

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Manny Tapes

Got my first unsolicited "I love you Rats!" today!


Usually it's a twenty minute process ending with him saying "what is it I have to say to shut you the fuck up?"

Hey, the kid loves Rats. Why not? :)

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I guess it's true, people will say ANYTHING if they're fucking being tortured by your big fat ass!!!"

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Week Off

The Manny didn't come over all last week, as he hurt his back (gee, never saw that one coming, Fat Ass.) So someone else watched me one day, and I don't know what her deal was but my food went cold as I sat there waiting for her to test the food for poisons. Is The Manny the only one that knows this is absolutely necessary? Jeez, I thought as I went hungry all day; he's a dipshit but at least he's willing to eat most of my food so I don't, you know, die. In his defense, there's something to be said for that.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Monday, March 16, 2009

The Manny Tapes

One sign of the economy is that I am not the only dude adult in our My Grownup & Me class. There were three others today, a record; and each one over the course of the hour gave me that "so, you too, huh?" look. Too which I gave a "fuck you, this is my 214th straight class - if the teacher gets assassinated during class, guess who fucking takes over?" look.

Also a record - 4 different nanny/mommies I wouldn't mind banging. The word must've gotten out about my big fucking hog balls wanting to do some bull-fucking at the Y. Welcome, ladies!!

"HAHAHAHAH! Hey, you fat - ...I'm sorry, but 'hog balls' is fucking killing me."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Manny Tapes

Oh wow, check this out - apparently some guy in NYC spends his days taking care of kids. Maybe you didn't catch that - a MAN is a primary caregiver for some children. And here he is, in the newspaper. Which makes sense, cause he must be some sort of super-hero, amazing guy. I bet his oversized penis also tutors poor kids after school. I wonder if he'll get invited to the White House? Can't Michael Phelps give him a few of his gold medals? Or his name will become synonymous with doing good deeds: "Dude, saving that puppy? You totally just pulled a Tullis." I mean, you live long enough, I guess you'll eventually see anything - including someone with testes spending the day with his children. Gee, if only we knew of OTHER men doing the same thing right now. But I guess that would be like finding another entire race of men living on the bottom of the ocean. How fucking Tullis would that be?

"There a phone number with the article?"

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Monday, March 9, 2009

The Manny Tapes

You always dread the moment you realize you've turned into your parents. Mine was about 7 minutes ago when I found myself looking up to the ceiling saying "God, give me strength not to kill this child." Sigh.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!! Good luck catching me first, you big fat fuck!!!!!"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Manny Tapes

One day The Short Bus will grow up, and I'll just be another old guy keeping his sports page clippings that he rolls his eyes at. But one thing I'll always have is picking him up from class on Wednesday afternoons - he'll see me from across the room and turn into Walter Payton, running towards me while dodging classmates as if shedding would-be tacklers, all while locking eyes on me and happily shouting "Rats! Rats!" :)

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Sounds like you running to the buffet line, you fat fuck!!!"

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Manny Tapes

My life.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey, FINALLY a day where you're not the biggest bag of hot air in the room, you fat fuck!!!!"

Monday, February 2, 2009