Monday, August 31, 2009

The Manny Tapes (Final Chapter)

From January 2008:

I’ve noticed that when I’m with the boy on the train, the speed of said train is in direct proportion to the boy’s behavior. If he’s sitting placidly, quietly looking around giving the ladies the goo-goo eyes which lures them into my own web of seduction, the fucking train hurtles down the track like it’s me at the Pizza Hut buffet when the meat lovers pizzas come out. Fucking a, we get to our stop so quickly I’m almost disappointed, since for once he’s quiet and not bothering anyone so I’m able to relax and take a breath. BUT. If he starts chirping, if he starts squealing and bitching or crying, well well well whaddya know, the fucking thing slows to a goddam crawl. As the passengers around me get annoyed and give me dirty looks cause the kid’s shouting, you can almost hear the train going “hhhhheeeeeeeeeey, what’s this, Xmastime in awkward situation…let’s slow this thing down, see what happens!” Fucking a. Grrrrr!

On a side note, it does actually pay to be a dude when bringing a baby on the train. If you’re the mother, people expect you to be some sort of miracle worker, juggling 4 kids on your lap while baking a soufflĂ© and inventing Soduko – if one of those kids squeaks out one peep, everyone gets bitchy and rolls their eyes etc. But a dude, hell, everyone’s mildly surprised you’re even able to put pants on the kid before bringing him outside. When the kid starts chirpin you can put on your harangued, beleagured “oh my god im so fucked” face and everyone gives you a pass, just thankful the kid’s still fucking alive. “Poor bastard” they think “gee whiz, poor guy, look at him, doing his best. God bless him.” One for the dudes!!

"Hahahahaaha! Xmastime, your next stop should be the boneyard, you fat stupid fuck!!!"

Saturday, August 29, 2009


Friday, August 28, 2009

The Manny Tapes (Final Chapter)

As next week is my last one as a Manny, I feel like I should revisit a "Manny Tape" episode each day. Here's one from September 17, 2008:

Whenever I call to The Short Bus for him to "come here" he eventually makes it to me, but it takes about eight tries. Not just of me calling, but him coming. He'll come running, get about 3 feet from me, and then turn around and go back to where he was, at which time I call again. This time he'll come about 6 inches closer, then take off again. Repeat, repeat etc; he's like a buzzard circling, getting closer each time. I don't know if this is a sign of OCD, or if when I say "come here" what he actually hears is "Hey, this is probably a good time to knock out a coupla shuttle runs." Weird.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey, maybe that's what you should do during one of your MANY buffet runs, you fat bitch!!!"

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Manny Tapes

If you don’t know where the OFF switches on a kid’s toys are, you’re fucked. Surrounded by trucks and Sesame Street shit and play pianos that are constantly going off as he’s whacking at them, your only salvation is when you’ve had enough you can simply flip a switch and the noise will stop, much to the kid’s oblivion. But right now his large, plastic Tigger airplane is going off like an alarm, “whoo-hoo-hoo!”s mixed with air traffic radio bleeps and, for some unknown reason, “Camptown Races”…just like in any airplane, I reckon…and I cannot find the off switch or where the batteries are.

TIP: always know how quickly the batteries can be taken out!!!!!!!!! 

And it looks like this is the toy he wants to play with for the rest of the morning. My mind is slipping into my neck and I’m seriously about to walk out into the nice, quiet street and lay my head down.

"Hahahaha!! Well guess what Xmastime, I wish I could turn your sissy crying off, you fucking pussy!"

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Manny Tapes

Strolling the boy on the sidewalk the other day we came upon a little black girl, looked to be bout 11 or 12 years old. I broke right and she met me; I immediately tried to swerve the other way but she mirrored my action. We went back and forth for a few, doing some sort of non-touching sidewalk dance, til finally she snapped furiously “Learn to fucking swerve goddammit!” And huffed away passed, shaking her head at my idiocy.

"Hahahahahaha!!!  Sing it, sister!  He's a fucking douchebag, right???!!!"

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Manny Tapes

My days of being a Manny are winding down :( In a few weeks the Short Bus will be going to school 5 days a week, and I will be put out to pasture to die. Or, hopefully, quickly shot out of my misery.

I'm actually looking forward to getting back into the 'adult world;" this thing that was supposed to be a few weeks has somehow lasted 3 years. The little guy and I have had our ups and downs (okay, 99% ups), and my only regret is I don't remember everything that happened so I can write a billion-dollar bestseller about the experience. Also, that I didn't train him to say "hiyooooooo!!!!" rim-shot style after one of my well-placed "zingers."

I'll still see him a lot, I'll still be a big part of his life. But it won't be the same as feeling like I'm having a hand in his early development, that I was something really meaningful to him. Eventually any memories of his time with me will fade from his mind until there is none at all (hey, how many of us remember the ages 0-3?) Ah well. How it goes I guess. I'll still always be there for him, we'll always be buddies. We still got a lot of memories to go.

Mostly, I'll think of THIS.