The Manny Tapes

In our "My Grownup & Me" class the last few weeks I've noticed that one of the kids has been accompanied by his father, not his usual nanny. I wonder if he's been laid off, or was on Wall Street. Certainly looks the part. I'm allowed to sneer smugly, as I am in the most recession-proof of industries: child care AND gossip magazines. The only way I could be MORE recession-proof is if I had a combo porn/funeral home shop.







"HAHAHAHAA! Adds up, since a corpse is the only ass you fat bitch could get, shit for brains!!!"

GUEST HOST: Short Bus

I don't know why I bother dragging this fucking loser with me to class at the YMCA. Hey, congratulations, you can throw a rubber ball at me for half an hour. Ooooooh, were there any dodgeball scouts at the gym today???!! "The Fat One is ready for 'The Show'!!!"

Oh yeah, and professor: you might wanna come up with another way of hitting on the one hot woman in class other than "peeping for her thong every time she bends over to interact with her kid." Yes, I'm SURE that's such a turn-on it completely overrides her even possibly thinking "why is this dude hanging out with a two year-old in the middle of a Monday morning?"

I don't know why I even bother. Seriously, if we didn't both take a nap in the middle of the day I'd lose my mind.

GUEST HOST: Short Bus

Seriously, I have no idea what the hell's going on behind me when The Manny is pushing me down the street. After about 10 feet I'm like jesus christ, is someone behind me masturbating in a wind tunnel? wtf??

The Manny Tapes

Because I wanted to catch Kate Winslet naked before I went to sleep last night I watched some of Little Children. I'm in the middle of one of my shaving Winslet's eyebrows fantasies when she says that her kid refuses to be put in a stroller or car seat, so she has to walk or carry her everywhere they go.

Umm....excuse me? Does this kid only eat candy corn personal pan pizzas too?

I'm assuming whoever okay'd that line doesn't have kids. Cause if it wasn't for the stroller, I would've thrown myself off the Williamsburg Bridge a long time ago. When we're playing, Short Bus is a great walker and runner. Boom! he's over there, BAM! he's back, on and on. But whenever I decide to let him walk with me down a street on the sidewalk, taking a break from the stroller, I last about 14 seconds before the skin pops off of my body and into the street and I realize it's either put the kid back in the stroller or call his parents and let them know that we'll be back home in time for his high school prom. Fucking maddening.




"HAHAHAHAHAA!! Hey, don't blame me because after about three steps SOMEbody's fucking lungs collapse from the fucking heaving and sweating, fucking fat ass!"

The Manny Tapes

I realize I've been a Manny for too long, devoid of the real world, when this morning I saw Short Bus' new fall coat from the Gap and thought "wow, what a cool coat - wouldn't it be cool if I had one too??!!"

Sigh.







"HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I don't think they make this coat in Size Canada, you big fat fuck!!!!!!!"

GUEST HOST: Short Bus

Every morning when he walks in the door, The Manny makes a big deal he's there, with a whole song and dance routine. He acts like some sort of singing clown; "hiya buddy, looks who's here!! I'm here!!"

Yeah, no shit you're here, I can see you. Unlike you when you're more than 6 inches away from the tv and desperately trying to read today's episode description for BH 90210, I'm not fucking blind. Which is ironic, since when you walk in the room, all light disappears. And you're here every day, quit acting like it's such a fucking surprise. If I wanna be surprised by a fat fuck who can't drive a car, I'll build a chimney. Jesus christ. Does this dude have the memory of a goldfish? (which, by the way, he eats by the bag carton room.)

The Manny Tapes

Short Bus' non-stop chattering has gone to another level. He's been chattering non-stop all day recently, a mixture of words he knows and random sounds to fill the gaps. Now apparently he's decided that for those times he doesn't feel like coming up with anything specific, he'll just stand next to me and let out an outrageously loud drone for a few minutes. My head is about to explode - is there a point when it is actually okay to tell a 2 year-old "gotdam dude, can you please shut the fuck up??!?!?!?!?" ;)








"HAHAHAHAHAAH!!!! Hey, somebody's gotta drown out the sound of your lips moving when you try to read, you fucking dumb shit!!!"