You Call That "Strolling"???!

I think one more example of what a rushed, frantic society we are is the jogging stroller. Who came up with this shit? "Boy, I really need to go for a jog...but I also have this 3-month old baby I have to take care of...I got it!! I'll combine the two!" Sounds safe, right? Put the kid in a cart with wheels and then take off sprinting down the street like a bat outta hell. Hey, nothing can hit YOU; the baby and stroller, like my penis at the Pizza Hut Porn Awards, are a good 3 feet in front running interference!

Why not just shoot the kid out of a cannon and then sprint to try to catch him before he hits the ground? Christ.


ps - I actually image-Googled "baby getting shot out of a cannon." Hmm.

The Manny Tapes

Just now The Short Bus and I were watching Sesame Street, and The Count started singing one of his counting songs. You know that shit, like "ONE! TWO! I LIKE YOU!! THREE! FOUR! MY HYMEN IS TORN!!" Anyway he's bopping along to it, and then I start singing along with the numbers and he cuts me a look. Turns out the kid is annoyed that I know my numbers, and he doesn't. Which is funny, cause it's never bothered him that I am 5 feet taller than he is, or that I can read, speak English, vote, get my own food and don't need another person to wipe my own shit off my ass. But me knowing numbers before him? That pisses him off. Hmm.













"HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! That's okay, let's take a wild guess at which one of us is gonna get laid next, you sorry fat fuck!!!!"

The Manny Tapes

Kid's books can drive me bananas cause apparently the single most important thing a kid can learn nowadays is the sounds animals make. This is all we seem to want them to learn. Wtf? Cow goes moo, cat goes meow. Hmm. I don't know why this is so important - is this ever gonna come up later on in life?

Dean Wermer: your SATs are amazing, your GPA is a 4.0 and you were in every extracurricular activity at your high school.
Kid: That's right.
Dean Wermer: you have a letter of recommendation from Lee Iacocca.
Kid: That's right.
Dean Wermer: So lemme ask you something...what noise does a sheep make?
Kid: (draws complete blank)
Dean Wermer: I see. Hmm. Yeah, I'll keep your application on file (deposits into paper shredder, kid walks out and into the world of community college.)

And then another thing I don't like is that in every book, there's a big fat snake that's supposed to be friendly. Hey look, fluffy happy puppy looking for a hug. A sweet duck looking to help, splashing around. Oh, and sliding down from a tree? A 19-foot long boa that looks like it just swallowed a golf cart. What the fuck? Oh, but the snake is supposed to cute and cuddly and just wants to be "one of the guys!"

I don't want my little guys to be scared of snakes. But I don't want them thinking it's okay to go up and fucking hug one either, you know? Wtf. Why not have "happy, jolly drug dealers" too? Drippy chlamydia-riled Mexican with open sores? Just wants a hug, wants to be friends! Camon!!!!











"Heeeeeeeeeeey buddy! Come a lil closer, I just wanna be good friends! That's it...liiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit closer..."

Memorial Day with The Fellahs

Short Bus: “Say, Lil Bear, here’s a question for ya…did you NOT mention to Husky that we, you know…aren’t skinny dipping?”

























Xmastime, Lil Bear, Husky, and…my pursed, creepy gay lips. Ugh.
Ohoh...Husky spots somebody else eyeballing the popsicles in the freezer. Shits about to get FOR REALZ.

























“That better be a candy bar in the water, Xmas!!”
Short Bus knows the truth.

























Xmas and Lil Bear play another rousing round of “Look, We Have Hot Dogs!”
Husky: "I really gotta get a new gang.”


























“Which one of you mothafuckers got my Newports wet?”

The Manny Tapes

I've mentioned here several times how batshit The Short Bus is for buses. We can't stroll down the street without him flailing around in the stroller screaming "bus! bus! bus!" and pointing. Sometimes even at an actual bus. But I've noticed that while he squeals with glee as we near a bus, actually being in a bus does nothing for him. As we approach the bus he's like a teenage girl at Shea in '65. Or me at a Hardee's. A kid in the candy store "busbusbusbusbusbsusbusbubs!!!" Then the second we're actually aboard the bus, nothing. He's looking around thinking "what the fuck happened? Where's the bus?"

Poor dude. Spends all day dreaming and obsessing about buses, then the second he's inside of one, he's bewildered and has no idea how to even enjoy it. Man.













"HAHAHAHAHA!! Sounds like you if you ever get laid, you stupid fat fuck!!!"

The Manny Tapes

Short Bus is adding words to his vocab everyday, including people's names. "Mommy." "Daddy." "Luke." "Sarkozy." Eeeeeeeeeeverybody's name, he can say. Except, of course, mine. What does he call me, his closest of companions, his bosom buddy? The guy who spends every day in the trenches with him? His big buddy, his protector?

"Rats."

Christ. I can't fucking win.













"Hahahahaha! Well, you spread disease, you steal food and you have a centimeter-long dick, shithead!!!"

Curious

Spending a lot of time with a little kid means you’re gonna be spending some time with Curious George. We all know the books; just a bunch of “follow George around while he has fun/explores/gets in trouble” etc etc. Whatevs. And now there’s an animated show on PBS with Curious George, which The Short Bus goes apeshit over (pun, of course, intended.) So we’ve been watching it for awhile now, and I’ve just started to notice that every episode, George has a fucking J-O-B. What the fuck is this? When did this start? The Man in the Yellow Hat is getting squeezed by the economy too? Who was the wizard at this board meeting: “Yeah, okay, we’ll do a show with Curious George…but the bastard’s gonna have to pay his own fucking way.” I looked it up, and here’s some of the jobs George has taken:

Grocer
Window Washer
Zoo Keeper
Dog Sitter
Door Man
Architect (sorry, Godsy…but it’s true.)
Train Master
Stain Remover
Plumber’s Helper
Curious George Takes a Job
Curious George Takes Another Job

Jesus christ. Now, what about people who actually have these jobs – gee, must be a good feeling that some cartoon is saying “not only could a monkey do your job, but one who is, sorry to say, a bit of an idiot.” Unreal. And in these days of such strong feelings re: illegal immigrants coming in and taking our jobs; really, is this the time to be saying “hell, we didn’t even bother giving your job to a Mexican, we skipped right over him and gave it to a fucking monkey”?

Hey, PBS hates Americans!!! Propagandist bullshit!!!!!!

The Manny Tapes

One great thing about being a Manny is there's always a jug of milk around. Is there anything better than ice-cold milk? I could live off the shit. And of course I scarf half the fucking gallon myself every day, and then I feel bad and try to cover it up for when the bosses come home. Shit ain't cheap. I'll tip the jug forward so it looks like there's more when you open the fridge, for instance. One time I greeted Short Bus' moms at the door, FURIOUS cause I had "dropped the goddam milk on the floor, spilling the shit everywhere. Dammit, me!!!!" And of course I still try the ol' "i dunno, but BOY does this kid guzzle milk! it's unreal!" Of course they know he's only supposed to have one big cup of it during the day; they can glance at the 1/2 gallon that's missing and know that "gee...that looks like more than 8 ounces missing..." Hey, they're not retarded. Caught up in a midget-pony German porn ring yes, but retarded? Nyet.

Ah well. Hey, I love milk. Makes me more of an American, dammit!!
















"HAHHAHAA!! Why don't you just suck some out of your big man-tits, you fat fuck?!?!!! YEEEEEEEEESS!!!"

Seriously

Is there anything more comical than baby shoes? Maybe the socks. Looks like the Greyhound Bus with a side car. (But sexier, I hope?)

Just Another Friday Morning with Lil Bear & The Short Bus

Preparing the fellahs to take over Xmastime after my inevitable sailboat drowning death. “…and if you wanna post a picture of Gordon, you go to this folder here…well. I guess they're all Gordon folders...”


















Great. Mamalizza found some rum. Nap time, boys!

















“Do it again; it’s not dead yet! Do it!” (cue Stand by Me)


















Xmastime has just offered to babysit Lil Bear for a few hours. Lil Bear's face says it all. Hmm.

















Turns out Xmas is actually busy, can't do it. Lil Bear collapses into Mamalizza’s arm with relief. Asshole!!!!

















I see the McDonald’s cup of “diet Coke” has landed on the floor. Have another one, Mrs. Abdul!!

















The fellahs!!!

















Somehow, the fellas instinctively knew they should look away from the screen when Xmastime started Googling “two cups girls.” Good for them.

















“I’ll take ‘Pictures that Eventually End Up as Evidence' for $1200, Alex.”

















Shootin’ off some emails to a few ex-girlfriends. “Don't worry, they’ll never look up the IP address of this computer!” The boys light up cause I just typed the “I was bout done with you anyways!” quote from Footloose.