The Manny Tapes

The Short Bus has picked up two interesting new "projects." Number one, he insists on every single case or box containing a slew of toys to be opened and dumped out on the floor. Not to play with of course, but to make sure the floor is covered in a way so that I'm guaranteed to 1) sprain an ankle 2) spend 2 hours a day picking up the goddam stuff.

Number two, he is no longer satisfied with simply assaulting me with an insanely steady barrage of shouting; now he ratchets up the irony factor by actually shouting "making noise!" as he's...making noise. Sigh.

All this is a long-winded way of saying I'm about three more non-sequitous screams from blowing my brains out.






(getting the gun)

The Manny Tapes

I won't be a Manny forever. But I'm pretty sure it's the last job I'll have where it's completely normal to dig into a jacket pocket and think "what's this? oh, a half-eaten butter sandwich. Cool."








HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!! They named a sandwich after your tits, did they? Fuck you, shithead!!!!"

The Manny Tapes

Today's Episode: WHY I AM THE BEST IN THE BIZ.

Xmas: how bout some rice n' beans, buddy?
Short Bus: no! NO rice n beans!!
Xmas: really? (lopping rice n beans onto plate)
Short Bus: no! no rice n beans!!
Xmas: you sure? camon! (bringing plate of rice n beans over to him)
Short Bus: no!! NO RICE N' BEANS!!!!!!!
Xmas: okay buddy (puts plate of rice n beans on table in front of Short Bus)
Short Bus: (looking at plate) what's this?
Xmas: Mexican food.
Short Bus: (starts eating)







"HAHAHAHAHHAA! Lemme guess, some asshole tricked you into eating a fucking bus? Beep beep, you fat fuck!!!!"

Fireside

GUEST HOST: Short Bus

I've been sick all week, but The Manny still fucking shows up at my house. For chrissake - I'M SICK DUMBASS, do you really think I can spend all day watching your sorry ass? Oh wait, looks like he's found the cure: watching reruns of Rosanne all day with his hand down his pants, waiting for Choo Fung Choo to come with his roadkill foo young. Thanks, Dr. Asshole. I feel better already. I guess it’s “Starve a cold, feed a fever, oh look, The Manny’s on YouPorn again”, right? fucking christ.

The Manny Tapes

In our "My Grownup & Me" class the last few weeks I've noticed that one of the kids has been accompanied by his father, not his usual nanny. I wonder if he's been laid off, or was on Wall Street. Certainly looks the part. I'm allowed to sneer smugly, as I am in the most recession-proof of industries: child care AND gossip magazines. The only way I could be MORE recession-proof is if I had a combo porn/funeral home shop.







"HAHAHAHAA! Adds up, since a corpse is the only ass you fat bitch could get, shit for brains!!!"

GUEST HOST: Short Bus

I don't know why I bother dragging this fucking loser with me to class at the YMCA. Hey, congratulations, you can throw a rubber ball at me for half an hour. Ooooooh, were there any dodgeball scouts at the gym today???!! "The Fat One is ready for 'The Show'!!!"

Oh yeah, and professor: you might wanna come up with another way of hitting on the one hot woman in class other than "peeping for her thong every time she bends over to interact with her kid." Yes, I'm SURE that's such a turn-on it completely overrides her even possibly thinking "why is this dude hanging out with a two year-old in the middle of a Monday morning?"

I don't know why I even bother. Seriously, if we didn't both take a nap in the middle of the day I'd lose my mind.

GUEST HOST: Short Bus

Seriously, I have no idea what the hell's going on behind me when The Manny is pushing me down the street. After about 10 feet I'm like jesus christ, is someone behind me masturbating in a wind tunnel? wtf??

The Manny Tapes

Because I wanted to catch Kate Winslet naked before I went to sleep last night I watched some of Little Children. I'm in the middle of one of my shaving Winslet's eyebrows fantasies when she says that her kid refuses to be put in a stroller or car seat, so she has to walk or carry her everywhere they go.

Umm....excuse me? Does this kid only eat candy corn personal pan pizzas too?

I'm assuming whoever okay'd that line doesn't have kids. Cause if it wasn't for the stroller, I would've thrown myself off the Williamsburg Bridge a long time ago. When we're playing, Short Bus is a great walker and runner. Boom! he's over there, BAM! he's back, on and on. But whenever I decide to let him walk with me down a street on the sidewalk, taking a break from the stroller, I last about 14 seconds before the skin pops off of my body and into the street and I realize it's either put the kid back in the stroller or call his parents and let them know that we'll be back home in time for his high school prom. Fucking maddening.




"HAHAHAHAHAA!! Hey, don't blame me because after about three steps SOMEbody's fucking lungs collapse from the fucking heaving and sweating, fucking fat ass!"

The Manny Tapes

I realize I've been a Manny for too long, devoid of the real world, when this morning I saw Short Bus' new fall coat from the Gap and thought "wow, what a cool coat - wouldn't it be cool if I had one too??!!"

Sigh.







"HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I don't think they make this coat in Size Canada, you big fat fuck!!!!!!!"

GUEST HOST: Short Bus

Every morning when he walks in the door, The Manny makes a big deal he's there, with a whole song and dance routine. He acts like some sort of singing clown; "hiya buddy, looks who's here!! I'm here!!"

Yeah, no shit you're here, I can see you. Unlike you when you're more than 6 inches away from the tv and desperately trying to read today's episode description for BH 90210, I'm not fucking blind. Which is ironic, since when you walk in the room, all light disappears. And you're here every day, quit acting like it's such a fucking surprise. If I wanna be surprised by a fat fuck who can't drive a car, I'll build a chimney. Jesus christ. Does this dude have the memory of a goldfish? (which, by the way, he eats by the bag carton room.)

The Manny Tapes

Short Bus' non-stop chattering has gone to another level. He's been chattering non-stop all day recently, a mixture of words he knows and random sounds to fill the gaps. Now apparently he's decided that for those times he doesn't feel like coming up with anything specific, he'll just stand next to me and let out an outrageously loud drone for a few minutes. My head is about to explode - is there a point when it is actually okay to tell a 2 year-old "gotdam dude, can you please shut the fuck up??!?!?!?!?" ;)








"HAHAHAHAHAAH!!!! Hey, somebody's gotta drown out the sound of your lips moving when you try to read, you fucking dumb shit!!!"

The Manny Tapes

Just changed the boy, then set him down to play with some toys while I got him an outfit. Looked over and realized HOLY SHIT!!  THE KID'S ON FIRE!!! Puffs of smoke, floating around him!!!!

Of course, turns out I had put too much baby powder on his ass. As usual. But for one, fleeting second I thought I was gonna hafta cut out one of my Frasier episodes to dream up a story to tell his parents re: how I set their child on fire. Yeesh. Bullet, dodged.








"Hahahaha! Only YOU can prevent baby fires, you fucking douche!!"

The Manny Tapes

When you spend as much time with a 2 year-old as I do, much of that time is dedicated to animals. “What’s this animal?” “What’s the ________ say?” and on and on. Every book, animals riding in cars, talking to each other, drunk-texting each other in bars, whatever. Yesterday I was getting ready to feed the Short Bus, thinking about what to give him, and I noticed he was still clutching a small plastic chicken he had been playing with for a while.

Hmm, I thought. Feels like chicken.

Is that wrong? Feeding the boy the very animal he’s playing with at the moment?

Hmm. Life: a riddle in a jack-in-the-box.







"Hmm. Hey, here's a riddle: guess which one of us actually stuffed his fat-fuck face with the chicken?"

The Manny Tapes

The Short Bus just walked over and gave me a book, shouting at me "READ!" Oh good, I thought, he wants me to read this to him. I get ready to hoist him onto my lap but he steps a way, sits down on the floor with another book and starts looking at it, flipping the pages.

Then it dawns on me...he wants me to read the book he gave me. While he reads a different book. So he picked out a book for me, and he decided that Five Little Monkeys is about my speed. Christ. There is no dignity in this job.







(quietly reading to self)

The Manny Tapes

A new trick for when I want just a 3 or 4 minute break from entertaining/chasing around Short Bus is to have him look for something. All of a sudden I'll look at him with a serious expression and say "hey...where's the triggor rifter?" To which he'll stop in his tracks and stare at me. For about a minute. During which I'll repeat the question, kinda looking around looking worried. He's still staring at me, unblinking. All of a sudden a look will come over his face, as if to say "yeeeeeeeeeaaaahhh...where the fuck IS the triggor rifter!???!!" And then he spins and turns and spends a few minutes squatting, looking under things, desperately looking for the triggor rifter while I turn my brain off for about 3 minutes. Perfect.






"HAHAHAHAHAAHA!! Just 3 minutes? Guess again, you dumb shit!!!"

The Manny Tapes

Whenever I call to The Short Bus for him to "come here" he eventually makes it to me, but it takes about eight tries. Not just of me calling, but him coming. He'll come running, get about 3 feet from me, and then turn around and go back to where he was, at which time I call again. This time he'll come about 6 inches closer, then take off again. Repeat, repeat etc; he's like a buzzard circling, getting closer each time. I don't know if this is a sign of OCD, or if when I say "come here" what he actually hears is "Hey, this is probably a good time to knock out a coupla shuttle runs." Weird.








"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey, maybe that's what you should do during one of your MANY buffet runs, you fat bitch!!!"

The Manny Tapes

The Short Bus turned two years old yesterday...pretty hard to believe. Seems like a week ago, seems like 10 years ago. I've been his unlicensed primary caregiver since he was 8 weeks old; at times I've been part godfather, uncle, best friend, protector, enforcer, playmate, teacher. Sometimes I think my number one role is to make sure he doesn't end up liking soccer. Either way, he's been one of the best things to ever happen to me. What can I say lil buddy. Happy 2nd Birfday! :)






"Hey Xmas, speaking of the number 2, get your shit-wiping mitts ready, you sorry fat fuck!! HAHAHAHAAH!!

The Manny

I'll say this much: The Short Bus is a happy kid. always smiling, laughing, bubbling. He never gets sad about anything, he never cries for no reason. Sometimes he's so over the top happy I catch myself thinking "gotdam dude, calm down...shit can't be going THAT great!"





"HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! You'd be happy if you weren't your sorry fat fuck ass too, Xmas!!!"

The Manny Tapes

Three things I love about Short Bus:

1) His favorite movie is Ratatouille, which he calls "Mouse," and he calls me "Rats." I like to think there's a connection.

2) From the side, he looks exactly like a Peanuts character. It's kind of eerie.

3) Every day he naps upsatirs, and I listen for him to wake up downstairs with the monitor, and every day when he wakes up it's the same thing: "Mama? (hopeful)...Daddy? (hopeful)...(looooooong pause)...RATS! (GIT your ass up here!!)"







"HAHAHAHAAHAHA! Hey, know what I like about you? I can actually put 'Didn't wipe my ass good enough' on your mid-year evaluations, you stupid fat fuck!!!!"

The Manny Tapes

Friday, November 09, 2007
The Manny Tapes (Driving Mrs. Daisy)

Sometimes when I'm with the boy I remark to him that he's my best friend. "You're my best friend, lil buddy" I tell him. To which he cocks his head back and points to...well, anything. Then I yell at myself whats wrong with you? He's not your best friend; he's only one year old!! He can't talk, he has no idea what you're saying. You have no common interests, and he can't drive. I correct myself. But then I'm like fuck it, why not? I'm with him more than I am with anybody else. He earnestly listens to me all day (even if he don't understand it.) He's always thrilled to see me; he never turns his nose up at how broke I am, or that I'm overweight or a loser or whatever. Lights up when I show up, then we read and wrestle and cruise through town. My little sidekick, my running mate. My lil buddy.






"Hahahaha!! Xmas why dont you suck my...I mean, kiss my...you little fa...I...aw, fuck it, I love you too buddy!!!!"

The Manny Tapes

One thing about hanging out with a bunch of 1 to 2 year olds is you eat a lot of shit. No, not literally. Right now they're all at the stage where they're learning about sharing. So one will have a bag of, say, Goldfish. Now his little mitt is holding one out to you, so you take it, say "thank you!" and eat it. So now he's all excited that you took it, and grabs another one. Next thing you know, you've eaten half the bag, gettin a faux-powdered cheese buzz on and standing in the baking heat feeling like a grizzly bear who just got a dart stuck in his neck. Cause the kid isn't gonna understand "no thanks, I don't want one, let's get back to working on you 'accidently' pulling mama's shirt up." So they keep coming. The other day I got a whole gang shoveling shit at me; finally I did the ol'fake eating/chuck it behind my head. Of course the kid saw it, freaked out, and there's our guy Xmastime picking up a fucking gummi bear thing off the goddam playground and having to make a big show of eating it. Thanks, lil guys!















"Hahahaha!!! Eat shit, you fucking Xmas douche!!!!"

The Manny Tapes (Guest Star: LIL BEAR!)

Ohoh. Shark!!! I don’t appear as concerned as I would’ve thought. Well. The shark does have blond hair. And of course my nonchalance is all an act. “Christ,” I remember thinking “if they can get to Seacrest, they sure as shit can get my big ass…”


Here’s me waiting patiently for the attack while the shark does his stomach crunches and leg lifts. The fluffing part of the shark attack business, I guess.


Now the shark has lost a contact lens. This attack is going very slowly…ironically, I’m getting hungry.


Me & Lil Bear set to pose for the camera; I’ve shown him how to do the patented Xmastime “I’m #1!” finger. He does not look impressed.


“Hey asshole!! Around here, we do the two fingers!! Get it right!!!!”


Lil Bear wins, we do the two fingers. Apparently while I try to look like Fozzie Bear.

Thanks to Mamalizza for the pics! :)

The Manny Tapes

TODAY SO FAR:

Good: While strolling over to "My Grownup and Me" class he turned around to hand me his juice bottle when he was done. This is a first for us - usually he hurls it into the street so I have to dodge buses frantically trying to pick it up as he cackles behind me. Grrrrr.

Bad: While in class, he picked up a doll. Unbelievably, this isn't even the bad part. It happened to be a black doll (sorry - African American doll.) He picks it up, looks at it for a minute and then walks straight over to the one black woman in the class. She looks up at me, not amused, and I hafta do the ol' over-dramatic paralyzed grin on my face while clapping my hands and saying "oh look, a baaaaaaaby! hooraaaaaaaay, baby!!!" routine. A frosty class after that.








"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You know I don't see color, Xmas! Actually, with you blocking out the sun I don't see ANYTHING, you fat fuck!!!!"

The Manny Tapes

First the incontinence. Then the dick size. And now this:



Foir fuck's sake Short Bus, you gotta copy me on EVERYTHING!??!??!??? ggrrrrrrrr!